Common Misconceptions about History

There are a number of misconceptions that are widely held, even by the most educated among us. Some of these are the result of erroneous information in schoolbooks, others come from television, movies, and other sources of half-baked information.
Lucky for you, I am here to straighten out these common misconceptions, so let's get started!

COMMON MISCONCEPTION: Paul Revere was the only person to ride through the streets warning of the British invasion of America

FALSE: Paul Revere was not the only one. In fact, there were several lesser known patriots who made their best efforts, but have sadly been ignored by history.

Frankie Cabrone - the maitre 'd at Luigi's in North Boston. Frankie spotted the British navy from the roof of the restaurant, where he was enjoying his usual nightcap. Frankie bolted down the stairs and was desperate to issue a warning cry -- but unfortunately he had lost his voice in a poker game. Near panic, he ran to the kitchen and grabbed some pots and pans, but he was worried that they wouldn't be loud enough. Spotting a cage of chickens and ducks that were to be killed and cooked the next day, he got a brilliant idea: he could use a chicken to wake people up! There weren't any roosters, but he grabbed the biggest hen in the cage and ran onto the streets, where he began squeezing and abusing the poor hen, who squawked and crowed loudly. The sound was truly horrific. But it worked - people woke up all over town! They came running to see what was the matter. Several short-tempered sorts, annoyed by the racket on the street below, yelled down for Frankie to stop "choking his chicken," which led to an unrelated bit of trivia.

Across town, milkman Buzz Landry caught sight of the British ships gliding ominously into the harbor, and started yelling "FRIGATE! FRIGATE!" as loud as he could. This startled and angered many people, who wondered why he was cursing loudly so early in the morning. Some wondered if perhaps Buzz had found a bottle of curdled milk in his sack, or had stubbed his toe on their steps.

Frightened half out of his wits, he ran down the street yelling "FRIGATE!!" loudly and often.

Stopped by a policeman, Buzz was so terrified that he could only continue to yell "FRIGATE!!" into the poor man's face. This inspried the patrolman to taser Buzz and kick him in the nuts more than once. When buzz awoke in Boston city jail three days later, the invasion was over. Later, he was embarassed to find out that the British ships were, in fact, not frigates at all. Oops!

Meanwhile, Mildred Hankey, widowed years before and very lonely, was up very late using an early version of Facebook. It was called Facecrate, and it wasn't quite as instantaneous as today's version. It required the use of runners, who would carry messages and drawings from person to person and tape them to a tabletop "screen" that was really just a small wooden crate. Her door burst open and her Indian runner dashed in and taped a message to her crate from a friend on the HMS Badteeth. Trembling, she read the note out loud:

"Dearest Mildred - we have just made port a mere stone's throw from your cottage, and I was wondering if I could call on you after the invasion. Oops - did I say that? I mean, after the pretend invasion. It's just a drill, nothing more."

While not necessarily the sharpest knife in the drawer, Mildred knew that Lt. Collins had slipped up and revealed the dastardly plan on Facecrate. She immediately sent a message to everyone in her friends list. Her indian runner groaned and ran out to deliver them all. The last one on her list (alphabetically) was Commander William Jeffrey Underhill, who just happened to be checking his Facecrate when the runner came in, exhausted, and taped the message onto his crate. He sprang into action, summoning the militia, and the rest is history.

But perhaps the truest unsung heroes of the revolutionary war are our Facecrate runners, who ran like the wind, creating the first instant messaging system. Maybe we should rename today's version the Indernet, in honor of these brave and fleet native Americans.

Or not.

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COMMON MISCONCEPTION: The Pilgrims dressed all in black and wore enormous buckles on their hats.

FALSE: The Pilgrims did not dress all in black with big giant buckles on their hats. Rather, they preferred gold lame parachute pants, which were later adopted by MC Hammer, a popular R&D singer of the 1980's. The Pilgrims were not as stuffy as portrayed today. In fact, they also favored Red Sox caps worn backwards, and mock turtleneck sweaters (now you know where Steve Jobs got it from). The buckles that they wore were actually early bling, which typically hung from a necklace. Pilgrim blacksmiths were known for their bling artisanship, and would toss out awesome bling-buckles with practically every horse shoe.

The only Pilgrim who dressed all in black was Brother John Cash, who was well-known for his rockabilly flavored gospel singing, and tendency to abuse prescription Nyquil.

And their language was not stilted, as so often portrayed in the media. As a greeting on the street, one Pilgrim might say to the other, "Whateth ist up, my brother?" To which the second would often reply "Thou canst not toucheth this." This common slang was also updated and adopted by MC Hammer, who we can now see is a total thief.

Young Pilgrims were even more crazy, and were known to install pneumatic devices on their carts and horses, which would allow them to make the hood or front hooves bounce up and down as they carried goods to the market. It is believed that these young Pilgrims invented the first spinners, which they installed on their carts. Brother Joshua Navins was tragically cut in half when a spinner came off a cart wheel unexpectedly, and fouled in his bling buckle. This accident led to the invention of the mop.

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I hope you enjoy these educational treatments. We can all learn from history! If this series is popular, I will continue it and straighten out all you teachers and professors out there with my special knowledge! Please let me know if you would like to see more misconceptions put to rest.

(c) 2009 grant maloy smith