25 Things High School Memories

(c) 2009 Grant Maloy Smith

1. Did you date someone from your school?
Yes, the principal. We were star-crossed lovers... OK, there was an age difference. She was 90. But she was a "young" 90. So please don't judge us. I remember when she took me to Carvel and her dentures got lost in the whale ice cream cake.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
No, but I also had a crush on the hairnet lady who made the tater tots. But I realized later I was just infatuated with her taters. Or her tots. Whatever.

3. Did you car pool to school?
Who the hell can afford a pool in their car?

4. What kind of car did you have?
Tonka. (No pool)

5. What kind of car do you have now?
They call it "the Batmobile," but I'm not big on labels.

6. It's Friday night...where are you?
At a sock hop. I took all the socks out of my dresser and danced with them. We laughed, we cried, and finally, we hopped. God, did we ever hop. I still have the bunions.

7. It's Saturday night, where are you?
In the emergency room, due to a sock hop related accident.
I would prefer not to go into it.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
I helped the janitors spread that green junk in front of the mop after someone puked in the hall. They didn't really want my help, but they couldn't speak english well enough to tell me to go away.

9. What kind of job do you do now?
I have started a corporate think tank. Our first job is to figure out what the heck those bathtubs mean in the Cialis commercials. Why would two people want to sit outside in separate bathtubs? Does Cialis turn you into some kind of exhibitionist freak or something?
And those look like cast iron tubs. Wouldn't that be C-C-C-COLD?

Take enough of that crap and the next thing you know you will be dating a high school principal named Miss Goldfarb, and fantisizing about 40 year old ladies who make tater tots.
Jeez.

10. Were you a party animal?
Yes, they called me the gassy wildebeest.

11. Were you considered a flirt?
If by flirt you mean dysfunctional dork who forgot his algebra homework daily, yes.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
No, but I played backup triangle in Manilow's Copa Cabana tour.

13. Were you a nerd, jock, prep, greaser, punk...etc.?
I was all of those things before lunch. Catch up.

14. Did you get detentions, suspended or expelled, or, all of the above?
Duh.

15. Can you sing the fight song?
Of course, and here goes:

Come on, polecats, fight
bare your teeth
bite them hard
bite them deep

Lift your tail and spray
Make them go away
We will win
we will win
we will win it all today

Make a crazy face
Scream you'll eat their babies
Cross your eyes and shake
Make them think
that you've got rabies

Come on polecats, fight
Bite their rumps
Scratch their necks
Lick their livers
what the heck

P-O-L-E-C-A-T-S
fight spray fight spray fight!

The melody was crafted by Air Supply, so it was GOOD.
But the lyrics were by me, if you hadn't guessed.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
Mister Chips, and a nun that we called Larry.

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
On the step of the short bus.

18. What was your school's full name?
The Institute of Nude Wrestling.

19. When did you graduate?
It was around 3:45pm as I recall.

20. What was your school mascot?
A polecat named Cindy Lou.

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Only at gun point.

22. Did you have fun at your Prom?
I enjoyed lighting the fireworks. Unfortunately it was inside the limo.

23. Who were your closest friends?
Mostly it was Cindy Lou.

24. What did you do on the weekends during the day?
Since the remote control had not been invented yet, I was required by my dad to stand next to the TV and change the channel upon request. This also required the antenna to be adjusted (no cable yet, either). The antenna was on the roof, so it was no fun. But 8 flights of stairs 32 times each day is really a good aerobic workout. You should try it.

When they invented cable TV I wept uncontrollably.

25. Proudest achievement in High School?
At a football game I returned a kickoff for a touchdown. I went through the other team like a hot knife through butter. Several of them ended up in the ER, the hits that I put on them were so hard. Despite my incredible achievement, I did have critics...

a) Some of them complained about the "technically" that I was not really on the team, but had leapt out from the sidelines and caught the ball.
OK, that might be true. I got swept up in the moment.

b) Others have complained that, in fact, that it was the girls team.
Well, that could be, too.

c) Still others have pointed out that this was a game between 5th graders at the elementary school.

OK, technically true, but I don't accept that one, because some of those 10 year olds are big for their age, and pretty tough.

d) The final group of nit-pickers say "he was using a broad sword"
But that is not correct. I was swinging a battle axe, not a broad sword. There is a difference, people. So I reject their criticisms and remain proud of my greatest sports moment.