25 Things About Me That You Did Not Know

(c) 2009 Grant Maloy Smith

1. When I was very young I was 7 feet tall. I don't have any memories of it, and I am not sure exactly what happened, and my parents refuse to talk about it.

2. I have been to the White House many times. I never got in, of course, because the security is pretty good over there.

3. Many people know that I have a third degree black belt in shorin ryu shidokan karate-do, and a brown belt in tae kwan do chung do kwon. But few few people know that I have a 10th degree black belt in groovy. Well, it's not really black - more of a paisley, but you get the idea.

4. I used to ride a penguin to work. Then PETA got involved, and my fun is totally OVER.

5. My penguin is named Clark. He works for the post office now.

6. I used to dream of winning a Nobel prize. But then they gave some of them to Jimmy Carter and Al Gore, and now I really don't want it any more. Much to my amazement, in 2008 the Nobel committee contacted me and told me that I had been selected for the Nobel prize in Science for my invention of the school crossing guard vest with the built-in espresso machine. At first, in my excitement, I accepted. But as I was clicking away on Expedia making reservations for tickets to Stockholm, I had second thoughts. So I poured myself a tall latte from my left vest pocket and emailed them "thanks but no thanks, buddy," and invited them to pick someone else. The whole thing haunts me still.

7. I once put a puppy into that sucky tube at the drive up bank window. It made a really cool noise, and the puppy loved it. The teller figured out that I was making a deposit and she put the puppy into my account. When I get really sad I will withdraw the puppy and have a best friend again who will like me despite my bizarre sense of humor and my love of anything that doesn't have cheese or eggs on it.

8. I have to admit that one time, when I had to run 16 laps at the track, that I used my car. But it was not so easy and simple as you might think -- because I drive a TRAIN car. And not the engine car -- I drive the cafe car with the crazy lady with the hair net who microwaves those cardboard sandwiches. Since there's no engine, I had to push the car around the track 16 times. That makes me like Superman or something, doesn't it? Or at least, Batman.

9. One time I painted my body with what looked like clothes, but I was really naked. You saw me that day and the whole time we were talking I wasn't sure if you realized it and were just being polite, or if I had totally punked you. Then I had to run home and ask my kids what "totally punked" means. But they just laughed and wouldn't tell me. I am not sure which is more embarrassing.

10. The luckiest thing that ever happened to me was finding my wife Susan, and then having our kids, Huey, Dewey and Louie. Oops, I mean Taylor, Katherine, and Alec.

11. My middle name is not Maloy, as you might have thought. That is just a stage name that I use for my music and film work. Actually, my middle name is Skyhook. According to my grandmother, one of my great uncles was a cargo helicopter. He used to pick me up and fly me around, and he never dropped me. Well, maybe once.

12. I believe that everyone else in the world needs to change what they call "football" to our word "soccer". It is too confusing how they use the same word that we use for football for soccer. Or if they want, they can change the name of their game to "euro-latin football." Or perhaps "pansy ball" (sorry - I enjoy soccer, but you can play and put nail polish on at the same time). I know that it's really self-centered and ethnocentric to make the whole world change for me, but that's just the way I roll.

13. You know how when you were a kid, and someone would make you laugh at lunchtime, and coke or milk would come out of your nose? Well, that was really gross, and I wish you hadn't done that.

14. I can turn my head all the way around. But I have to turn my body, too.

15. I am deeply hurt that Dave Balbi doesn't like science fiction. At this point I am rethinking everything he has told me about karate and wondering if it was true. If you don't like a great work of art like INVASION OF THE GIANT SPIDERS or MANIMAL, I don't really know how I can get past that. Dave is clearly a deeply troubled individual, and I shall pray for his soul.

16. I invented the Catkins diet. When you go on Catkins, you need to avoid carbohydrates and eat only cats. The worst side effect is the development of hairballs. No jokes, please. I've heard them all.

17. I can take my pants off over my head.

18. My favorite color is Mozart

19. My eyes are two different sizes. With the larger one, I can see the future.

20. My first dog had a prosthetic tail. I had nothing to do with it, and the police cleared me of all wrong-doing. No more investigation is necessary. Really.

21. I like to stand outside the door at Walmart and greet everyone before the real greeters can do it. It really drives them nuts, but it's worth it.

22. I can speak morse code.

23. My pancreas is on the outside.

24. I love ponies. For breakfast.

25. I have never been to Antarctica, and it is starting to become a source of stress. I mean seriously, that's a whole continent, and I will probably never get there. Clark is really upset about it, too. (please recall that Clark is the penguin that I used to ride to work).